mine

I want to talk about people and relationships. Not that I am any good at them, but here are some things I have noticed, particularly in relationships.

1. Respect is central.

2. A person must be ready to change. Another cannot force a change.

1. In all cases it is fascinating how when people are in particularly close relationships they seem to lose respect for the ones they are close to. This happens whether the relationship is within the family or between lovers who are not related.

Respect means thinking of the other person. HOW would they feel about something that was said or a look? What is important to them? We seem to think that the other person thinks and feels just like we do about things in life. What is a tiny pebble to one person is a mighty boulder to another.

And what about lovers? Whether same sex or opposite sex? Recently I have had to look at the realities of relationships, my own in the past, and others that I know and respect. In many cases what appears to be a well founded relationship proves to have large problems within. Now, maybe that is the way of the world. In general though, here is my opinion....people just stop respecting and showing caring for each other. Often one can point to one or the other in the relationship, however the end is the same, the relationship ends.

Kicker is.....it is REALLY so simple. A hug now and again, a flower or two, maybe setting some specific 'us' time aside and really keeping to it....maybe bringing home those little items from the store that the other person specifically buys. so while it is simple in practice, it seems that as we all rush around our busy life we forget that we are not here to please ourselves so much as form relationships in this world and learn from our time here. IF we can walk a mile in the other person's shoes (people's shoes) then perhaps we can contribute more to the happiness of others which in turn will come around to us as well.

The other thing that is so confusing and I have been guilty of it as well, is assuming that there will ALWAYS be another time, another day to do that special thing, to have that special time. Truth is...this is a survival trait otherwise we would always be scared to goout. However, reality is that there is not always another day or another time. When it comes to people, the timehas to be now, otherwise the time goes. Now is the time to stop what you are doing and take 5 minutes for that special someone. That five minutes can mean the world.

Tell that special person you do love them, better than having regrets if something does happen. Bring home that special thing they love so much. Does it take more time when you are shopping? Nope, and brings that special light to their eyes.

The best example I saw was myself. When that special someone would bring me home JUST that certain chocolate I could not have been happier. Or when that special someone would take the effort to find me when I was doing my morning walk it meant the world to me.

Respect means not imposing your needs and requirements on someone else. If they want to help to share that way, then fine. But when I hear of people who feel they are 'forced' to do things and there is no appreciation or reciprocation that is a lack of respect.

The most obvious is in the bedroom. More than once I have heard from women 'He hurts me', from three different generations. Does it show respect for someone to hurt another they say they care for and love? Should the person not be aware that pain is being inflicted? Should they not have inquired or been aware? Respect for another's feelings, both physical and mental.

2. Changing people.

We know that people don't change unless they want to. And that is the sad part. The wooing a man may do when trying to secure favours from a woman, or her hand in marriage is just that, a change with a purpose. Once the purpose is fulfilled the change reverts. Lately the majority of people I have heard of TRULY changing have been older people who have passed through certain stages in their life and have been able to truly examine their life and their behaviour in relationships. I question whether counselling or shocks to people really make a difference or whether the person was just at a point in their life where they could see more clearly. So if we expect our primary other to change because of pressures from us I think we should realize it is most unlikely. If a loved one shows a particular pattern of behaviour you have to think of whether you are willing to live with that behaviour. They may change for a bit at your insistence, but if they just revert back then it is a safe guess that they are not ready yet.

How can we make this positive? Well, I think by realizing what we want and that we should not (as so many have said) expect someone else to change we can avoid heartaches and disappointments. As I have said to someone in my life....'there are no secrets as to who I am, if you cannot love all of me as I am, then perhaps you are with the wrong person'. Can people change? Sure! We all change all the time, because of others, our circumstances, just getting older. This makes relationships even more interesting and fun. However to cling to the idea that we can change someone or that someone might change for us is inviting disappointment. Where possible, love the person for their foibles as well as their strengths....so what if they like to leave the top off the toothpaste (oh! the toothpaste people resolved that one!), is it worth it in the grand scheme of things to concentrate on the toothpaste top rather than on the cute way he hugs you when he comes home?

Just a thought.

I want to take an opportunity to talk a bit about my mom.

First let me set the background a bit. She had four kids in all. Her first born, me, was diagnosed at age 3 with an ailment that would require a LOT of surgery over the next 10 or so years. As if this was not enough of a burden her third chihld went through a period of being VERY sick as well.

So what about her? Well, to me she has always been the strong one in the family that was always calm, cool and collected. When my sister almost swallowed her tongue during a febrile convulsion she kept her wits about her in a very scary situation. My sister is alive today as a result. This was waaaaayyy before the days of 911!

Here aresome of the things I remember and know about her as a person.

She always makes people feel comfortable around them. There was the time we went to Expo '86 together and saw something like 46 pavilions in 3 days. She was a real trooper....we must have walked the length of that place like 4 times in all and it was big place.

I remember how when I used to come home from hospital often she would have to do things no mother should have to do. She would have to put alcohol on my scabs on my incision and believe me I never thanked her for that one! She would sometimes have to re-teach me how to walk properly after having had surgery and lain in bed for months (sometimes a year at a time). She often would have to set up a bed in the kitchen for me, look after me because I could not climb stairs even to the bathroom or my room. And when I was scared at night she would be there.

It seems that no matter what curve balls I have thrown her over the years she has been able to maintain her composure and tried to be open minded.

When I went through a time of re-examining the surgeries that had been done to me and I was having trouble with the realities of it all she was there, on the other end of the phone for hours while I struggled with the enormity of what had been done and the irreversibility. Now, imagine how SHE must have felt when the dr's came to her and said 'If we do not do this major surgery on your little daughter of six she will just get worse and die" How does a parent deal with that? How do they know what to do? To authorize the surgery or try to let God help or hope for some other solution.....I wouldnot want to be in that situation. And when I started questioning the necessity of the surgery in adulthood did she show her impatience or her own hurt about the situation? Nope, she was supportive and listened and let me work through the pain and frustration.

A few years ago I had to have more surgery. I really do feel that a woman of 44 should not be put in a situation where her mother has to help her shower, but it was necessary because of the surgery. She did it in such a way that I was not made to feel ridiculous or intimidated. And frankly, without her help I would not have been able to return home, I would have had to go to some institution for the first couple of weeks post-op.

And let us not talk about her stew! It is the best. Every time I visit her or she visits me she makes it for me. It is the best comfort food possible.

There are so many other things I can say about her....her patience, her tenacity, her ability to stretch a $, her ingenuity, her intelligence.

So as to her intelligence....here is a 70 year old woman who keeps saying 'I cannot learn this new stuff' and then beats me to the new features on the internet. I have taught computers to loads of adults over the years...and yet when it came to teaching her I gave her one 20 minute lesson on WordPerfect, the absolute basics...and 1/2 hour later she was embedding a butterfly in a letter to her grand-daughter. Does that sound like someone who is not intelligent? Most recently I picked her brain about a product I am designing for a catchy name. I laughed and laughed...because JUST after she said "I am terrible at this type of thing you should ask...." and then proceeded to come up with about 8 different, bang up names.

As to ingenuity....when I was young I had to wear a brace, it was big and ugly and it was not possible to 'hide' it (look up milwaukee brace). So even clothes off the rack (if we could afford them) wouldnot fit. So she would get second hand clothes and cut them down (they were cheaper than buying material...) and create these original dresses and clothes for me to go to school in.

So what does all this mean? That here is a woman who raised four children while making it seem like it was no effort. My hat will always be off to her.